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A little over two years ago I found myself coaxing my lungs to pull in some air after receiving a blow that reverberated to my soul. The nurse at our IVF clinic had just informed me that I was no longer carrying the babies I had been cradling in my womb. I fumbled through a few more blurred conversations with Ritchie and Jessica and my close friend Cindi and wrote this email to our family and close friends later that evening:
I am writing to tell you that this little miracle that we are experiencing has a beautiful sequel. We look forward to experiencing it just as soon as we process the cliffhanger we’re currently sitting on. The Dr’s office called earlier this afternoon to tell us that we are no longer pregnant. On Tuesday when they called, my hCG level was 68. It has to be 5 to confirm pregnancy and it should double every day. Today it was 43. Just as soon as I started breathing again, I asked the nurse a few questions, all the while thinking she had to be holding someone else’s result because we have two babies coming. She sensitively sat in my shock with me and led me through the rest of the conversation. Afterwards, I prompted myself to breathe again and sat down on my bed, reeling.
I have never known something with the strength that I knew this so I am left to reconcile that kind of knowing (which seemed to have a pretty cut and dry interpretation :)) with this place where we are sitting now which, at this point, still feels a lot like shock. It is uncomfortable to be sure, confusing, devastating and yet hopeful. I have felt the hand of God so clearly these last few months, it’s undeniable. And I am confident that He won’t leave me now although I imagine the answers and understanding will be slow in coming. In the meantime I’m going to grieve the beauty that has been before me.
Thanks for your love,
Welcome to the now-joyful middle. We’ve come a long way these last few years and you’re invited to join us as we recap where we’ve been and live the rest of this beautiful story.